Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion

TwoLives commented on on of my earlier post "When the end comes (so to speak), is it back to fapping again or is this a one-time experiment?"  Nice pun, haha.  Let me address this comment.  Btw, today is day 28.

One interesting site I've come across is Your Brain on Porn.  There is a lot of good information about the negative effects of porn.  Most of the guys profiled have or had serious problems --  ED, anxiety, relationship issues, interference with school and work, etc.  I don't have these issues and I definitely don't have ED.  However, one of the recurring themes I noticed in postings on reddit was "I'm more motivated to meet people and more aggressive," and  "I'm more open to who I'll meet.  4's and 5's are looking like 7's and 8's."  Intrigue with these comments is the catalyst for my experiment with no fap.

Remember the Wizard of Oz?  The scarecrow needed a brain.  The tin man needed a heart.  The lion needed courage.  I feel like I have more courage, and I'm more aggressive when I meet someone.

Porn can skew your reality.  If you're holding out to meet guys like that, or to have sex like that -- guess what?  You'll probably be waiting a long time (especially true if you're over 40).  This was not my expectation (at least consciously), but I was probably not responding to some guys -- and I should have been.   

I want to continue this to day 90 and see how it affects my motivation to meet people, and my success once I meet them.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Day 27

I'm on day 27, but I got some relief.  Real sex is allowed.  There was a 23 yo Latino guy I've been chatting with the last few weeks, and we were both available to meet.  It was good, very passionate, and afterwards he stayed around for a few hours to cuddle and talk.  There certainly are better choices of who I should meet, but that is the subject of another post.

It was funny because when I came he said, "Wow, you cum alot!  How long has it been?"  I lied and told him a week.  I was covered in it.  Telling him 26 days would have sounded too bizarre. 

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Day 26

Day 26!   I can't believe it.  It's actually been remarkably easy.  No spontaneous erections.  No wet dreams.  No need for cold showers (although it has been near zero outside lately).  I have no problem going further with this.  I'm really not interested in porn, although I did peak at Noel who was the subject of a few posts at Closet Professor.

There is one reality I'm facing.  At some point I'm going to have to cum.  I really want it to be from real sex.  Since I've never gone this long before, I don't know what's going to happen.  Suppose it fills my entire bedroom?  It could be dangerous.  Imagine being trapped in a giant bottle of ranch salad dressing.  It would be hard to swim through to escape.  If it happens during sex, then I might be endangering the life of another man.  If I had to call the fire department to rescue us it could be embarrassing.  Not to mention the damage to my house.

Another option I thought of is to jack off near a river.  If it really is hundreds of gallons it will just go into the river and wash away, and I can get away safely.  However, I did read an article about a company that spilled high fructose corn syrup into a river.  It killed fish and created a lot of environmental problems.  The company received a hefty fine from the EPA.  I don't want to damage the environment or be fined by the EPA.  This is probably not a good  option.

The day of reckoning is approaching.  At some point I'm going to find sex, and then have to figure something out.

Saturday, January 25, 2014


Millions of gay guys are doing it.  It's an exciting cat and mouse game.  It often ends in hot sex.  "Looking"

So isn't about time that someone turned it into a tv show?  Well they have, a new HBO series called, what else, "Looking."   It's about gay men, in several different age groups, and their online dating life.  It's interesting to hear them discuss grindr, OKCupid, etc, and go out meeting guys.  Honestly, I couldn't believe that someone actually turned this into a tv show.  I watched one episode and it was ok -- maybe I'll learn something.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

A Coming Out Story

A longtime reader of my blog(s) sent me this Salon article.  Thanks!  He said it reminded him of me.  It's a great article, and yes, there are many parallels to my life. 

Sometimes I wonder why I am where I am.  I grew up in the early 80's.  Things were totally different then.  I remember how it was back then every time I start to have these thoughts.

A few weeks ago Olympic skating star Brian Boitano was on NPR.  He is 50 years old, and just came out as gay in December.  He was telling about meeting with his agent in 1988 to discuss monetizing his Olympic gold through endorsements.  The agent told him, "I don't know if you're gay, and I don't need to know.  But if you are, for god sakes don't tell anyone.  It will wreck everything."

You can't rewrite your own history, so it's pointless to even think about .  Make the best of where are now.

Monday, January 20, 2014


I don't know why I pushed the button.  The reply button on CL.

I liked his ad.  It was thoughtful.  He's Asian.  I often click with Asian guys.  The problem?  He's only 31.  But I hit the button anyway, without thought, even though he's below my target age range.

We talked on the phone.  He seems nice and he's interested in meeting me.

We meet for coffee.  We live close, so not a big investment in time.  Hmmm....he's average I would say.  Nerdy.  "A scientist," he tells me.  Hmmm....I'd probably sleep with him (but then I haven't cum in 18 days).  We talk for 45 minutes.  His parking meter almost out of time.  "Nice meeting you Rob."  He walks away.

He wasn't someone I was terribly interested in anyway.  It's no big deal.

I ask myself, "why did I do this?"  Life is in many ways a series of statistics problems.  I need to be thinking about probability of success.  I need to be targeting age appropriate guys.  Far better chance of success there.  I have limited time to meet guys.  I shouldn't be wasting this valuable time on long shots.

Saturday, January 18, 2014


I'm stepping up my workouts for the next three months.  I need to work harder to make incremental progress now and I'm curious to see what I can accomplish in three months.  A time bounded experiment.  I know I'm not 25, but I just want a little more definition, and flatter, tighter abs while holding my present weight.  I'm curious if my increased testosterone levels will have any effect.  This is a good way for me to spend time, and I know it helps me from a mood and confidence perspective. 

For some reason I'm motivated to do this.  Why didn't this happen when I was 20?

Friday, January 17, 2014

Day 17

I'm experimenting with this no fap thing.  I want to see how I'll feel, and if there are any changes in my life.  It's actually been pretty easy, especially once I got past the first week.  One other time I got to day 12 and was going crazy.  Not this time.

I think I'm feeling bolder.  There's no prohibition against real sex, but the last two weeks have been super busy and I haven't met anyone.  I also don't want to do something stupid. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Low T

Who hasn't seen at least ten different commercials for "Low T" treatments?  Low testosterone is the latest syndrome that drug companies are eager to "help" us with.  I don't think I ever heard of "Low T" prior to four years ago when the barrage of TV commercials started.

What are the effects of low T?  Fatigue, depression, lack of strength, low sex drive, weight gain or difficulty in losing weight.  These are the primary symptoms.

In doing some reading of postings in the "no fap" community I stumbled upon these articles (one and two).  After seven days of abstinence the testosterone levels of subjects in the study increased by 45.7%.

Higher testosterone levels can reduce social anxiety, alleviate depression, solve fatigue and sexual dysfunction issues, and help with weight loss.  A cure all!

There's no way I would take a testosterone supplement.  If I'm going to increase my testosterone level I would do it naturally.  Here's some methods:
  • 8-9+ hours of sleep a night to produce the next day's necessary testosterone levels
  • Sex, often. Little to no masturbation.
  • Diet: Increased fats & cholesterol intake has been shown to raise testosterone levels
  • Avoid pesticides as they contain estrogen derivates. Eat organic. Wash fruits/vegetables thoroughly.
  • Fitness: Lift. Consider short & heavy sets. Sprints. Intensity.
  • Supplements; Core: Vitamin D3, Fish Oil, Whey Protein. Consider: ZMA (Zinc, Magnesium, Vitamin B6), Vitamin C, Creatine. Debatable: Testosterone supplement/steroid use are largely up for debate. Consider making a large lifestyle change prior to evaluating alternative help or shortcuts.
  • Limit alcohol intake. Specifically, the hops in beer.
I wish there was an easy way to get testosterone levels measured.  I don't have any other reason to go to the doctor right now.

The symptoms of low T can lead to an unhappy life.  I'm seeking happiness....and looking at many avenues for getting there.  I'm doing some experimentation right now to see the effects of these ideas.  More on that later.  

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The No FAP Movement

A while ago I had a post on porn and I included a Tedx video about the effects on the brain.  That led me to the "No FAP movement."  I had no idea what this meant at first because it's not exactly intuitive.  Here's what it's about:

FAP = masturbation

This movement is about not masturbating or looking at porn, and instead seeking real relationships, or just sex with a real person.  Or spend your time doing other things -- not living in a fantasy world of porn.  There is a "No FAP" section on reddit with over 89,000 members.....called "fapstronauts."  These guys say that stopping changed their lives.  It's obvious that many of these guys have or had a serious problem.  It was interfering with other parts of their lives.  It had become a substitute for a relationship.

The point here is to avoid PMO (Porn-Masturbation-Orgasm), or even MO.  This program runs similarly to AA, and you get a badge for reaching milestones -- 30, 60, 90 days.  Some guys have gone more than a year.  You can't JO -- but you can have real sex!

Some of the posts are hilarious.  "Is this medically safe?   "After 20 days 4's and 5's look like 7's and 8's"  But many of the posts are very substantive, and explain how their lives' have improved since they stopped.  Far more time spent productively and much more effort directed to seeking a real relationship.  Overall they are happier.

You don't have to be sitting in front of a computer screen eight plus hours a day, skipping school and work for PMO to be a problem in your life.  The effects can be much more subtle.  Porn is so convenient.  You come home, you feel stressed and maybe a little horny.....do the PMO thing and it feels good.  But here's the problem:

  • When you PMO you lose motivation to meet real people.
  • Porn may skew your reality.  Nobody OR no sexual experience will meet your unrealistic standards that have been created by porn.
  • It takes increasingly longer to get off with porn.  You need to find that "right" video to light up the orgasm section of your brain, and that becomes more and more difficult and time consuming.
  • Very quickly the time spent on this activity can become excessive.
  • Sexual performance suffers.  You may get PIED (Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction).  On reddit there are comments from 19 yo guys who can't keep an erection when faced with the opportunity for real sex.
I was surprised at how big this movement is, and intrigued by all the comments.  I guess I shouldn't be.  Porn is like a drug and the internet has spread it like wildfire.  How long has there been streaming video on the internet?  How long since everyone got broadband?  Less than ten years I think.

Now we are seeing the effects.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Face Pics

What's the make-it-or-break-it in online gay dating?  It's the face pic.  I don't care how nice of a guy you are, the decision usually comes down to that five second look at your face pic.  A bad face pic can get you the red x treatment in an eye blink.  So you better make it good.

It's funny how the same people can have good and bad face pics.  My ex-bf Seth is a handsome guy and I've always thought his pics were great.  But he just posted a new pic and I thought it wasn't complimentary at all.  It can be hard to get the right shot, especially if you're not naturally the most photogenic.  One friend has a high end camera and takes thousands of pics of himself (in hundreds of pairs of sexy underwear).  The pics look great, like they're professionally done, and I imagine they're great advertising.

Guy on the upper right looks like he's using his college graduation pic.  Guy on the upper left looks professionally done.  Guy in the middle is just naturally photogenic.

There's several approaches to pics:

  • Completely out there with the face pic.
  • A "discreet" face pic.  Basically there's a face pic but you wouldn't be able to recognize the person.  Pics from a distance or with sunglasses fall in this category.  I have several friends who take this approach.
  • The body pic.  No face visible.  The hot body is advertising for further inquiry.  If you chat a bit ans there's interest, then he'll send or unlock a face pic.  If you have a body like the ones below there will be plenty of interest.
  • No pic.  Hang it up.  No one will talk to you.  Who would put up a blank billboard?
Some guys have a great smile and are photogenic so a great face pic is easy.

Another strategy is to put a little more personality into the pic.  Add some background, do some photoshop work.  Make it more than just the face pic in order to attract interest.  Maybe show a great body as well as your face.

One thing is true about all of these pics -- they're not just selfies in the bathroom mirror.  These guys put some effort into making these pics good.   I need to put more effort into this.  When I chat with a guy and there's mutual interest, I need to be ready with the right pics to make the best possible impression.

I said make the "best possible" impression.  There's only so much you can do, and there's no magic bullet.  Not everyone is one of the beautiful people.    You are who you are.  You do the best you can, and if the guy doesn't like your pic, then just move on.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year

I'm back from my Christmas travels.  The damage is not so bad, only three pounds.  I've been off work for more than a week now and feeling much better.  I was super stressed before the holidays, made far worse by having to work through the weekend before Christmas....right up until 8pm on Sunday night when we finally called it.  Work-life balance is still a problem I need to fix.  I must learn to say "no".

That Saturday night Ross had invited me to dinner at his place.  At lunch a few weeks ago we talked about meeting while Rico was away.  Sure enough the invitation came.  Sure enough dinner turned into a sleepover.  It was fun.

One success I had last year was hitting my goal weight.  I shifted my workout to more weight training than aerobics a few months ago.  So it felt great when Ross told me I was much more muscular than last year.    Indian Boy had come over Thanksgiving night and he made a similar comment.

Indian Boy was my 2013 fwb.  He's 29, cute and innocent.  Ok, maybe not so innocent.  I don't know why he liked me so much, but he kept coming back.  Now he's gone.  He's getting married in India next year.  He deleted his profile and I have no way to contact him.  He wanted to "get this out of his system" before getting married.  Unfortunately there was no telling him that it doesn't work that way.  I found it fascinating that he wasn't at all tentative or hesitant in bed.....totally into kissing and everything.  I'll miss him, but I have a new appreciation for Indian guys.

Now I need to think about next year.  I'm not going to list all my resolutions for 2014.  There are some things I need to do, but they're not really resolutions.  There will be one major change in my life next year, and that is my youngest finishing high school.  The end of day-to-day parenting (which often feels like policing) and a huge increase in my freedom.  I don't mean to portray parenting like that, because I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.  But we do have some rough periods.

I'll think about my priorities for 2014 over the next few days and write them down.  I did accomplish a few things in 2013, even though it wasn't a particularly fun year.  Today we write the first page of a new 365 page book.

Best wishes to everyone for a great 2014!