Thursday, September 22, 2016


Andy and I spent last weekend n Toronto.  TIFF -- Toronto International Film Festival was going on.  We didn't plan very well, so we only got to see one film, but that's ok.

We both love Toronto.  It's a very diverse city with an incredible amount of restaurants.  The waterfront and Toronto Islands are great.  Although we didn't make it to the nude beach this time.

Every time Andy sees two guys holding hands in public he nudges me.  It's comical.  There were several, but it's no big deal in Toronto.   Anyway, it was a fun trip and it's great to have someone to go with.

Next month:  Four days in NYC!   Can't wait.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Where am I Now?

Still with same bf.  In three weeks it will be seven months.

He sold his furniture.  He moved in with me.  Next month we move to new apartment on 20th floor of a downtown building in a fantastic location.

It feels strange actually living with someone.  I leave for work at 7am and kiss him goodbye.

In bed at night we hug and say, "we're a gay couple" and start to laugh.

We had a good conversation in July.  I'm not sure this is a good permanent relationship for him.  The age difference is too big.  That's my opinion.  We discussed whether it's good to be in a relationship that probably won't turn into a long-term thing.  Should we just end this?

"I don't want to break up with you Rob," he told me, "This is the life I want."

This relationship feels good to me too.  We both like to cook, travel, explore the city.  It feels so good to cuddle with the same man every night.  He clings to me all night long.  When I change sleep position, he adjusts to me.

In the next two years things will change for both of us.  He will finish grad school here and go to a PhD program.  I will move to an assignment somewhere else shortly thereafter.

Friday, July 1, 2016

I'm Alive

I'm back.  June was a difficult month.  The good thing is that quite serious medical problem resolved.

I'm still together with my bf.  It's now been four months.  It's serious.  We love each other.  We love spending time together.  He's been in Asia this month while I've been in the hospital.  We are back together this weekend.

This relationship is complicated.  This guy is what I'm looking for but the age difference is a problem.  Neither of us wants to end the relationship.

"I wish you were older," I say.

"I wish you were younger," he says.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016


About 15 months ago Steve and I were sitting in a neighborhood Italian restaurant.  I looked around.  The other tables had 5-6 people, they were all drinking and they were loud.  Everyone was having a good time. 

Then I focused on Steve and I.  Quiet.  We were talking softly and drinking water.  Not the boisterous fun going on at the other tables.

Now I look at Andy and I.  He was so quiet when I first met him.  Now he's come out of his shell, and he's more talkative and funny.  But he's still a quiet nerd.

I've never met such a cuddler as Andy.  He clings to me all night.  It feels great for both of us.  He is so smooth and warm. 

You learn something from every relationship.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Going on Three Months

It's been more than two months.  Haven't jacked off.  Haven't opened a porn site.  Grindr, Jack'd......all deleted.

My bf is at my place five nights a week.  He clings to me all night.  If only he was older....I'd marry him.  You learn something from every relationship....I want an older version of this guy.....when this ends.

His lease is up at the end of the summer.  Maybe he should move in?

Sunday, April 17, 2016

I'm Back....

I'm back.....and with a new bf.

It started March 5.  First an online hello.  Then coffee.   Dinner.  Back to my place where we cuddled naked until morning.

His name is Andy.  He's a grad student in mechanical engineering.  Of course Asian....Chinese in fact.  He's smart, funny and cute.  We spent a weekend in Toronto, and going next weekend again.  In bed he clings to me.....he pulls me as close as he can.  Now going on seven weeks and he's spending 4-5 nights a week at my place.

As with any relationship I'm involved with, there is a problem:  He's 24.

In the beginning we both agreed he age difference was too great and we would just be friends.  But we continued to meet.  We started spending more and more time together.  This feels good to me, and to him also.  One friend told Andy he had the mind of an older man and he wasn't surprised this was happening.  He's not looking for a sugar daddy.....he wouldn't even let me buy him dinner in Toronto.

Next year Andy leaves this city to either begin a PhD program or start working.  I may leave this city as well.  If this relationship goes on for a while is it a problem?  We are discussing expectations as I don't want this to end badly.  Sadly, I realize this must end.  We both need a friend right now, but a long term relationship with me is not the right thing for Andy.  I told him he's a great guy and if he was older I'd marry him.

He's had some bad experiences meeting people, and I haven't met anyone maybe this isn't so bad for a while.


Saturday, February 27, 2016

The Elusive Age Appropriate Relationship

I still can't get the age appropriate relationship topic out of my head.

There's another blogger who has an interesting, albeit blunt, way with words.  In one post he described a naked older man as looking like a "boiled chicken."

I was discussing with another blogger my lack of motivation to approach guys around my own age.  It's very easy to push the button and say hi to some guys......but they are not usually around my age.  I guess subconsciously there's just no motivation to pursue older guys, I said.  The other blogger's response:  "ROB:  It's not subconscious, it's conscious."

My problem is that I know I need to be dating guys my own age -- but, many of these guys don't do anything for me.  My date last week was perfect example.  This guy was well educated and professional.  He was interesting to talk to.  The problem is that he didn't make my dick hard.

I can pass for at least ten years younger than I really am.  This gives me options that some of my same age peers don't have.   I can get younger guys in bed.  Last week I shared my picture with a 23 year old guy.  "You're 42?" he asked.  "You don't believe me? I replied.  His response:  "You look younger than that." 

More than ten years ago I met my friend Javier.  He is Brazilian.  We met at a shopping center and he invited me back to his place.  I distinctly remember walking with him from the car to his apartment.  My heart was pounding.  All I could think was:  "This guy is so hot, I can't believe I'm going to have sex with him"  over and over.  The sex was amazing.  Javier moved back to Brazil, but he still returns to the US two or three times a year, and usually he'll contact me.  I can't believe what's happened.  He has gained so much weight.....he just isn't the same guy.  He works very hard and travels alot.  For me, the attraction is waning.

As you get older you have to work SO hard to stay in shape.  Typically at that age you have a more responsible job with greater work demands.  My typical day right now is 7:30 to 7:15.  So not quite a twelve hour day, but still long.  It's hard to be motivated to hit the gym at 8:30 or 9.  I am really tired.  It's so easy to watch tv and fall asleep.

The guys my age who are actually in shape usually aren't looking for guys their age.  They are looking for younger.  That's my experience anyway.  Just having close platonic friendships can be difficult for middle aged guys.

So what should I do?  I'm not sure, but time is going by fast.