Friday, July 1, 2016

I'm Alive

I'm back.  June was a difficult month.  The good thing is that quite serious medical problem resolved.

I'm still together with my bf.  It's now been four months.  It's serious.  We love each other.  We love spending time together.  He's been in Asia this month while I've been in the hospital.  We are back together this weekend.

This relationship is complicated.  This guy is what I'm looking for but the age difference is a problem.  Neither of us wants to end the relationship.

"I wish you were older," I say.

"I wish you were younger," he says.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016


About 15 months ago Steve and I were sitting in a neighborhood Italian restaurant.  I looked around.  The other tables had 5-6 people, they were all drinking and they were loud.  Everyone was having a good time. 

Then I focused on Steve and I.  Quiet.  We were talking softly and drinking water.  Not the boisterous fun going on at the other tables.

Now I look at Andy and I.  He was so quiet when I first met him.  Now he's come out of his shell, and he's more talkative and funny.  But he's still a quiet nerd.

I've never met such a cuddler as Andy.  He clings to me all night.  It feels great for both of us.  He is so smooth and warm. 

You learn something from every relationship.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Going on Three Months

It's been more than two months.  Haven't jacked off.  Haven't opened a porn site.  Grindr, Jack'd......all deleted.

My bf is at my place five nights a week.  He clings to me all night.  If only he was older....I'd marry him.  You learn something from every relationship....I want an older version of this guy.....when this ends.

His lease is up at the end of the summer.  Maybe he should move in?

Sunday, April 17, 2016

I'm Back....

I'm back.....and with a new bf.

It started March 5.  First an online hello.  Then coffee.   Dinner.  Back to my place where we cuddled naked until morning.

His name is Andy.  He's a grad student in mechanical engineering.  Of course Asian....Chinese in fact.  He's smart, funny and cute.  We spent a weekend in Toronto, and going next weekend again.  In bed he clings to me.....he pulls me as close as he can.  Now going on seven weeks and he's spending 4-5 nights a week at my place.

As with any relationship I'm involved with, there is a problem:  He's 24.

In the beginning we both agreed he age difference was too great and we would just be friends.  But we continued to meet.  We started spending more and more time together.  This feels good to me, and to him also.  One friend told Andy he had the mind of an older man and he wasn't surprised this was happening.  He's not looking for a sugar daddy.....he wouldn't even let me buy him dinner in Toronto.

Next year Andy leaves this city to either begin a PhD program or start working.  I may leave this city as well.  If this relationship goes on for a while is it a problem?  We are discussing expectations as I don't want this to end badly.  Sadly, I realize this must end.  We both need a friend right now, but a long term relationship with me is not the right thing for Andy.  I told him he's a great guy and if he was older I'd marry him.

He's had some bad experiences meeting people, and I haven't met anyone maybe this isn't so bad for a while.


Saturday, February 27, 2016

The Elusive Age Appropriate Relationship

I still can't get the age appropriate relationship topic out of my head.

There's another blogger who has an interesting, albeit blunt, way with words.  In one post he described a naked older man as looking like a "boiled chicken."

I was discussing with another blogger my lack of motivation to approach guys around my own age.  It's very easy to push the button and say hi to some guys......but they are not usually around my age.  I guess subconsciously there's just no motivation to pursue older guys, I said.  The other blogger's response:  "ROB:  It's not subconscious, it's conscious."

My problem is that I know I need to be dating guys my own age -- but, many of these guys don't do anything for me.  My date last week was perfect example.  This guy was well educated and professional.  He was interesting to talk to.  The problem is that he didn't make my dick hard.

I can pass for at least ten years younger than I really am.  This gives me options that some of my same age peers don't have.   I can get younger guys in bed.  Last week I shared my picture with a 23 year old guy.  "You're 42?" he asked.  "You don't believe me? I replied.  His response:  "You look younger than that." 

More than ten years ago I met my friend Javier.  He is Brazilian.  We met at a shopping center and he invited me back to his place.  I distinctly remember walking with him from the car to his apartment.  My heart was pounding.  All I could think was:  "This guy is so hot, I can't believe I'm going to have sex with him"  over and over.  The sex was amazing.  Javier moved back to Brazil, but he still returns to the US two or three times a year, and usually he'll contact me.  I can't believe what's happened.  He has gained so much weight.....he just isn't the same guy.  He works very hard and travels alot.  For me, the attraction is waning.

As you get older you have to work SO hard to stay in shape.  Typically at that age you have a more responsible job with greater work demands.  My typical day right now is 7:30 to 7:15.  So not quite a twelve hour day, but still long.  It's hard to be motivated to hit the gym at 8:30 or 9.  I am really tired.  It's so easy to watch tv and fall asleep.

The guys my age who are actually in shape usually aren't looking for guys their age.  They are looking for younger.  That's my experience anyway.  Just having close platonic friendships can be difficult for middle aged guys.

So what should I do?  I'm not sure, but time is going by fast. 

Monday, February 22, 2016

Moving to Australia

This chart was published in Details.  Interesting to see that the US has the highest standard.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

A Date

One of my goals for this year to date more age appropriate guys.  Guys like Jack are fun, but at 24, realistically he's too young for me.

So when I met a guy online who's profile showed him as 38, 5'8, 170, Latino, well educated professional I was interested.  Finally after chatting for many weeks we met last night.  He suggested we meet at my place, but I changed that to the downtown.  I explained that I am not looking to just get naked, I want to get to know him and see if we could actually become friends.  So it was a real date.

We met at a park in the center of downtown.  My first impression was that he was older than 38.  Whatever, most guys over 30 lie about their surprise here.  There wasn't instant attraction for me. 

We had a good conversation.  He's actually a dentist who was previously married and has two kids.  So we had much in common.  He showed me around the downtown, we had some drinks and then  ended up in a gay bar that was a few blocks away.  It was just before 11 and the place was still pretty empty.  We didn't stay long.  Just curiosity I guess.

Even though there were a lot of things right about this guy, I didn't feel particularly attracted to him.  I kept thinking about what I would do at the end of the night. 

As it got closer to midnight he started hinting about what he wanted to do.  I started thinking about what I wanted to do.  Maybe it could be fun?  Maybe I'd find myself attracted to him.  Maybe he's a Latino bear?

So we went back to my place.  Long story short - no chemistry....I just couldn't get interested in this guy.  He's not 5'8, 170.....more like +200.  It felt like he had no idea what he was doing.  I don't know, it just wasn't there.  Not much happened.  Certainly motivated me to hit the gym regularly.

So this is frustrating.  I understand I'm far from perfect and need to have an open mind.  But as I peruse the guys over 40 on dating sites it seems most are BMI >30 or some other big turn off.  Then you have the hardcore group......just sex seeking and look unsafe. 

I really don't know what to do.