Saturday, November 2, 2013
There are a number of blogs I read regularly. Sometimes I read something that resonates with me and I think about it all week.
Closet Professor's post on growing older as a gay man and the thoughtful comment. And he's only 36!
One comment on that post from The Corporate Slave: "Just wait until you cross fifty. It's a whole different world of rejection."
Cameron's post on his painful breakup and discovery that his ex is with a "much younger man."
All this brings me back to the question: How do you have a fulfilled life after 40 as a gay man?
I could live another 40 years. I don't want to spend that time alone and jacking off.
Gay culture is looks and youth obsessed. Gay men over 40 are their own worst enemies as many won't date their peers -- they are looking for younger. Or if they are dating someone in their own age group, they will quickly bolt if a younger guy comes along. Is this the result of brainwashing by porn? It seems like hetero guys are more likely to date women in their own age range. Less chasing after younger women. Maybe I'm wrong. Recognizing that I'm not going to change the behavior of other guys, how do I affect my own behavior?
Who you meet is largely an emotional decision. It's often driven by the picture you see. If you are attracted to the guy you will probably move heaven and earth to meet him. If you're not really attracted you may just delay and delay, and never get around to setting up a meeting. And if he's unattractive, you hit the block button.
It's harder to stay in shape -- and attractive -- as you age. Forty and fifty-something guys message me and I quickly do a mental BMI calc....often way over 30 and that just isn't attractive to me. In 2002 I met a handsome South American man named Javier. He was maybe the third guy I ever met for a hookup. He was gorgeous. I remember going back to his place and we walked together up to his apartment. "I can't believe I'm going to have sex with this guy," I thought over an over. My heart was racing. He was so hot. The sex was amazing. I met him a few times after that and we stayed in touch. He eventually moved back to South America. When he's in town he sometimes calls me. Last time was six months ago. OMG, what eleven years has done. He's gained a lot of weight. Much less attractive. Eleven years ago he could say "jump" and I'd be there. Now, I'm really not motivated to see him. I've thought a lot about this and don't mean to be shallow, but this is my emotional reaction. There are guys over 40 in good shape, but they are in the minority. Many of the one's in great shape seem to be partnered already.
I'm thinking I should start a dating service for guys over 40. Collect profiles/preferences and then try to match guys -- no one under 40 allowed. The point here would be to put guys together who wouldn't have otherwise connected. Put some Patti Stanger rules in place, like no sex on the first date, just so that the guys get to know each other and make a judgment about the other person at a higher level. Meeting the guy you SHOULD be meeting! Many of these connections won't work out, but at least you'd be meeting appropriate guys. Not chasing after some 26 year old pipe dream.