Saturday, November 2, 2013

Over 40

There are a number of blogs I read regularly.  Sometimes I read something that resonates with me and I think about it all week.

Closet Professor's post on growing older as a gay man and the thoughtful comment.  And he's only 36!

One comment on that post from The Corporate Slave:  "Just wait until you cross fifty. It's a whole different world of rejection."

Cameron's post on his painful breakup and discovery that his ex is with a "much younger man."

All this brings me back to the question:  How do you have a fulfilled life after 40 as a gay man?

I could live another 40 years.  I don't want to spend that time alone and jacking off.

Gay culture is looks and youth obsessed.  Gay men over 40 are their own worst enemies as many won't date their peers -- they are looking for younger.  Or if they are dating someone in their own age group, they will quickly bolt if a younger guy comes along.  Is this the result of brainwashing by porn?  It seems like hetero guys are more likely to date women in their own age range.  Less chasing after younger women.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Recognizing that I'm not going to change the behavior of other guys, how do I affect my own behavior?

Who you meet is largely an emotional decision.  It's often driven by the picture you see.  If you are attracted to the guy you will probably move heaven and earth to meet him.  If you're not really attracted you may just delay and delay, and never get around to setting up a meeting.  And if he's unattractive, you hit the block button.

It's harder to stay in shape -- and attractive -- as you age.  Forty and fifty-something guys message me and I quickly do a mental BMI calc....often way over 30 and that just isn't attractive to me.  In 2002 I met a handsome South American man named Javier.  He was maybe the third guy I ever met for a hookup.  He was gorgeous.  I remember going back to his place and we walked together up to his apartment.  "I can't believe I'm going to have sex with this guy," I thought over an over.  My heart was racing.  He was so hot.  The sex was amazing.  I met him a few times after that and we stayed in touch.  He eventually moved back to South America.  When he's in town he sometimes calls me.  Last time was six months ago.  OMG, what eleven years has done.  He's gained a lot of weight.  Much less attractive.  Eleven years ago he could say "jump" and I'd be there.  Now, I'm really not motivated to see him.  I've thought a lot about this and don't mean to be shallow, but this is my emotional reaction.    There are guys over 40 in good shape, but they are in the minority. Many of the one's in great shape seem to be partnered already.

I'm thinking I should start a dating service for guys over 40.  Collect profiles/preferences and then try to match guys -- no one under 40 allowed.  The point here would be to put guys together who wouldn't have otherwise connected.  Put some Patti Stanger rules in place, like no sex on the first date, just so that the guys get to know each other and make a judgment about the other person at a higher level.  Meeting the guy you SHOULD be meeting!  Many of these connections won't work out, but at least you'd be meeting appropriate guys.  Not chasing after some 26 year old pipe dream.

Comments encouraged!


  1. As someone who has been with my partner / husband for close to 20 years, I'm grateful every day that I have someone in my life who accepts me for me, no matter what.

    I've gone to many social events where guys under the age of 30 wouldn't even give me the time of day. there was an obvious divide between the "baby" gays and the "mature" gays. The funny thing is that I'm finding that as I get older that I've become more and more attracted to guys 40 and over (like the guy in the photo).

    It's interesting that as "unified" as the gay community is in fighting for our rights, how many "cliques" there are within the community.

  2. The problem is that most guys our age don't want guys our age. With all the twinklets out there with Daddy issues, it's easy to get a twenty-something's attention. It won't last, but most relationships don't. It's not a good situation. The internet/phone dating apps ruined everything.

    1. I think the internet is in many ways a huge positive for gay men. It makes it so easy for them to connect, and meet guys they wouldn't have otherwise met. Many guys don't go to gay bars, and the internet affords them a means of meeting other guys discreetly.

  3. Don't startup a dating service. Start a group in your area for middle-aged and up men only. I keep reading blogs by men in your situation and keep thinking that such a group would be great. For one thing, it would be good to be in a group where none of the men are judging each other for being over 40. You might meet at a bar but not a gay bar lest you encounter attitude. I know that I am more attracted to younger men but I know that to form a relationship, it would have to be with a guy my own age.

    Understand though that you are also participating in the very things that you do not like about gay culture. This might be because you were with the wife and leading a life that did not fit you when you were younger and more stereotypically attractive. Guys who come out of the closet later in life seem to be going through this fear of rejection more than guys who came out earlier.

    Perhaps that is because the ones who came out earlier formed social relationships over time with other gay men that were not based exclusively on sex or the bar scene. Most of the gay men I know who came out younger tend to be find a broad swath of friends, gay and straight, formed through political action, sports teams, common interests, or even church.

    For the guy who comes out later in life, there's the urge to have the wild gay sex life that he never had when he was younger. As a man, he's middle-aged but his social/sexual development might be undeveloped and stuck at age 22 as a gay man.

    As someone only 2 yrs. older than yourself, know that had you come out of the closet when you were in your 20s or early 30s, you would have had to deal with gay life during the plague years when sex was dangerous and your gay friends died, as did some of mine. Life as a gay man then seemed pretty grim.

    Be glad that you have this moment. Stop worrying about the sex and start making new friends. Some of them can help you navigate the waters ahead and make the journey better.

    1. Start making "just" friends? Is that possible among gay men?

    2. Absolutely! I have never wanted to have sex with most of the gay men I know. Yes, we talk about sexual attraction to other men, even other men in the room. Yes, it can be done if you can control the urge to prowl.

  4. I love your analysis of this anon. It fits me to a "T", I've just never seen it put down in words before.
    "For the guy who comes out later in life, there's the urge to have the wild gay sex life that he never had when he was younger. As a man, he's middle-aged but his social/sexual development might be undeveloped and stuck at age 22..."

  5. I’m trying to figure out how to be single and fifty-six. I don’t want to date a younger guy who can’t relate to the events I have experienced, such as the dark days of the AIDS epidemic in the 80’s. At this point, I’m more interested in friendships as opposed to sexual encounters. I’m sure that will change over time. I still feel fractured and damaged after exiting a twenty year relationship. I don’t how well I will handle rejection. I’m choosing to stand on the sidelines of the dating game but I know at some point I will join the game. In the meantime, I continue to hit gym and have started running. I want to be prepared in case I get invited into another man’s bed.
    Thanks for mentioning my blog.