Sunday, January 27, 2019

The Question


My bf will turn 31 soon.

His family hasn't seen a girlfriend.  They are becoming concerned.  Harry is Chinese.  Typically Chinese families find a way to marry off their children in their mid-twenties.  The family involves themselves in this process.

Yesterday his sister sent a text:  Bro, do you like boys?

He froze.  He texted me:  I don't know what to do.  I think she'll be ok with it.  How come I'm not?

Not answering is an answer.  I think he needs to just tell her.  If he can't bring himself to text back, then just not answering will give her the answer.  I've told him, if I had a son who became distant and was alone, I would be concerned.  Most parents want the best for their children.  They want them to be happy.  His parents must be quite concerned, but also sad about this situation.  They don't know what's going on.  The sister is guessing, but know one knows for sure. 

All my Chinese friends say the same thing:  my parents are ok with gay people, as long as it's someone else's kid.

There's another part of this story that I'm struggling with.  Why is it that some people just come out as gay and it seems to be no big deal.  Whereas for others, it's so shameful that they just can't admit it?  Please don't say it's lack of courage, it's more complicated than that.


5 comments:

  1. depends on how open the family is.

    those families who see being gay as shameful will always have a difficult time in life.

    those families who see being gay is no big deal will be the happiest.

    my mother's older brother was gay; he died in 1968; I didn't find out andy was gay until 1988 from a FAMILY FRIEND! my own relatives still won't discuss it. ignorant families suck.

    in your BF's case, it's the cultural stigma. watch "the wedding banquet" by ang lee; it explains a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree with Anne Marie, and it also depends on each individual I think. Some people like to fit in and blend and being different is hard, whereas others have always been comfortable in their own skin.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The big question (IMO) is his financial independence or dependence on them. Does he need their help while he's still in school? Of course, their love and social support is still important, but if he's independent, at least he's able to support himself if they cut him off.

    One must always come out on his own terms. In my group of friends late 20s/early 30s, some with very progressive white parents are still closeted (who knows what the home dynamic is), whereas the children of African and Asian parents had surprisingly accepting reception when they came out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He has no financial dependence on them. He just needs their love.

      Delete
  4. It's not just parents who can make things difficult, friends can be just a difficult.

    ReplyDelete