Third Degree Lunch

"I want to be alone and I want people to notice me - both at the same time"

Last week I had lunch with a female friend.  I know her from my former work.  She went through a painful breakup a few years ago, and shared a lot of that experience with me.  She also knows a lot about my kids and my legal battles.  She doesn't know I'm g.

She's married now and seems to have a keen interest in my situation.  "Dating very much?"  "Do you see yourself getting married again?"  "Do you think you'll find the 'one'?"  Many questions no one has asked me for a long time.  I think she means well, but these are personal questions.  I'm not sure I know the answers.  I basically dodged.

Fast forward to the weekend.  I am watching CNN about the horrific mass killings in Cali.  Obviously this guy's mental illness amplified the rejection and loneliness he was experiencing.  The pain of this was so bad?  He appears to be not bad looking and had money - but he couldn't connect with anyone?

Do you need to have a partner or "be with someone" to be happy?  Is that a prerequisite for happiness?  Can you ever achieve true happiness as a single person?   Certainly there are positives to being single.  A larger portion of the population is single now than ever before - not sure why.  Sure, having friends or one special person in your life is important for happiness.

It's not always obvious to me why some people make these connections easier than others.   

Too Hardcore

I'm staying home this weekend.  I am really tired and just need a quiet weekend.  My brain just feels fried right now.  I still have some work I must do and lot's to do at home also.

I could be at the International Leather event in Chicago this weekend -- that's a gay event, right?  It would be more a curiosity thing as I'm not really a leather person.  I don't want to go by myself either.  Probably lot's of age appropriate men there too.  But -- one of the problems with the forty/fifty-something guys who message me is that they are just "too hardcore."  Hard to define that in words, but look above.  Sure, this guy above is an extreme case, but you get the idea.  It's just not my type at all.  It seems like many guys morph into this as they age.  Leather, tats, piercings, huge biceps.....I feel like they'll eat me alive. 

Where are all the nice guys?  Plain old, normal, professional guys not into anything crazy.  Probably they're still married.   I can't seem to find them.

Who knows?  Maybe I would have run into this guy over the weekend.  Not so hardcore I think.

Gay Events

I've never been to a gay event.  I was reading a post about another blogger's trip to the Gran Can Pride and it sounds awesome.  I need a vacation so badly right now, and that isn't going to happen until September.  Another thing happened last week that may prevent me from having the grand vacation I need (and deserve) but I'll leave that for a future post.

Even if it's for nothing more than satisfying my curiosity, I want to attend a gay even this year.  Unfortunately most of the gay events are over by September.  Gay Pride in Toronto would be fun, but that's end of June -- the most critical period of my IT project.  There's IML (International Mr. Leather?) in Chicago this month which would be interesting and easy to get to, but I'm really not a leather person.  Having a sexual element to a vacation would certainly make it more fun.

My friend George goes to the White Party in Palm Springs every year.  Not sure that would be my thing either.  He was telling me about all the hot guys at the underwear party.  I'm not sure I'll ever be in good enough shape to parade around in my underwear.

I'll search for some fall event I can attend.  It has to be somewhere relaxing.  I love NYC but it's not relaxing.  Somewhere I can unwind.

Boring Weeknd

Totally boring weekend for me.  I sent  note to the Mexican boy who I met two weeks ago.  No response, and I know he read the note.  I'm disappointed.  I didn't meet anyone else.  Why can't I be like OneStepTime and have hot guys constantly calling me for sex?

Oh well, Mexican boy had a small dick anyway :(

Stressed

I met Ross for lunch last Saturday.  I hadn't seen him since December and it was good to catch up.  After lunch we had a coffee and talked.   I got all the details of what's going on with his bf.  He still couldn't keep his hands off me.  I guess it's good to know there's one person out there who likes me.

I am so stressed out the last few weeks.  I worked Sunday and late most nights this week.  Friday night I'm huddled in the office with my IT crew until I finally called it quits at 7:45.  I'm working on a major IT project and we are moving into the final leg.  It will look great on my resume, so I need to do this.  But it's super complicated and difficult to manage.  Last week I was pulled into some modeling and valuation work for the private equity owners of my company.  That's high viz work that I need to be a part of -- how can I say no to that project?   Never ending work-life balance struggle.

August 10th.  Project should be done and looking forward to a vacation.