Saturday, November 29, 2014

Happiness for Who?

I had an interesting conversation with Steve.  He's concerned about my happiness.  Where am I going long-term?  I need someone in my life if he's not there.  Basically, he's asking what do I need in my life to be happy.

This is interesting because I was concerned about his happiness.  He's 34, his parents don't know (not sure if anyone knows), and I am his most serious relationship.  He's been out in the world working for about seven years, but it doesn't seem like much has happened.  He is thousands of miles from home, playing around on grindr, and it seems like a lonely life.

Last week we were laying in bed talking, and he surprised me by saying that maybe he should just get married -- to a woman.  I didn't want to come across as too excited, but I strongly told him that would be a huge mistake.  Especially for a guy who has essentially lived as a gay man, albeit discreetly, for many years.  He's been sexual with men, I think exclusively, and now abruptly switch?  It doesn't work.  Not only that, he's been sexual with men, and from my experience with him, he really likes it.

We met four months ago, and I think he's realizing what a gay relationship could be.  A boyfriend who is a REAL friend.  Who actually knows your real name.  And most importantly, can be trusted.  I think he's appreciating sex with the same partner, who spends the whole night, and that the relationship goes beyond just sex.  He's become a better lover over these few month.  Too passive and tentative in the beginning.  Now he's more aggressive.  What's really amusing to me is that I have dinner with this quiet, intellectual, kind of nerdy, scientist.  Then two hours later the clothes come off.  He's a surprisingly hung Asian guy telling me what he wants to do to me. A totally different guy.

I had lunch with Ross a few days ago.  I mentioned I was dating someone, and of course he wanted all the details.  When I described Steve's situation he just rolled his eyes.  This is so typical of an Asian guy.   The culture just doesn't accept it.  Ross just told his mom last summer, but largely because she was constantly hounding him to get married. I really want Steve to be happy, and not sure how this will happen.

By year end both Steve and I will have some clarity on what's going to happen in our lives, and we'll see how this develops.


  1. These are the best years of his life that are going by. And once he turns 40.....prospects start to diminish.

  2. if thing is working out between you two, maybe it's time to make some effort in keeping it, even if it's a long distance relationship. Having found the right guy for you is hard enough, you don't ever want to let him go and wait for another one coming.

  3. Not sure if your feelings to him is as strong as his to you - I think he's grown and learned more about gay relationship over the last few months with you. Life is not easy and we all have to make tough decisions. All the best to you!