It's nice when friends see me as a sounding board they can trust for advice or just listening on sensitive matters.
This weekend I had a call with a friend. He's older than me, 60-something, gay, single, reasonably well off and retired.
He was telling me that as an older gay man he feels invisible and like damaged goods. He hasn't met anyone. He told me, " my sex life is jacking off. I haven't been with a man in two years." The reality is that there are many guys in this situation.
It's good that he is solution oriented, and not just complaining. We talked a lot about possible ways to meet people. This is a problem for all men over 50 -- not just gays. Many men have few close friends and no relationships. You hear so many suggestions -- join a club or a bowling league. I wouldn't do this and my friend is not interested either. He's not big on gay dating apps either. I did push back that you can't rule out everything. If you do nothing, then not meeting anyone is a certainty. There's luck involved here -- sometimes you try many things and none are successful.
I suggested going solo in the absence of a friend or partner. That's better than doing nothing, and you can't let your life just go by, especially at this age. Solo travelers are very common these days.
He told me the guys he has met were just turn-offs. Poorly dressed, overweight and just looking really old. He doesn't want to date Wilford Brimley. They could be lying about their age, that's pretty common. I asked jokingly, "bad haircuts too?"
Tough problem to solve, and this is true for everyone. But not insurmountable. I guess my number one suggestion is just get out and do things -- local activities, travel, whatever. Doing nothing is a death spiral. Number two is stay in shape. It's bad enough getting older, you don't also need to be overweight. I think it also improves confidence.
I'm finishing a book on depression. The author theorizes that depression is often caused by lack of social connections. There could be something to this and we talked a bit about it.
Any suggestions? Who am I to give advice, I met my bf on Grindr.
4 comments:
Your friend sounds like me and a number of my friends.
Ditto here. It's been 13 years for me so I know what your friend is going through. My problem is that I want a younger guy and no one wants an old man. Time is passing me by and unless something magical happens I've pretty much resigned my self to the fact that I am going to be alone. I am still trying a little bit here and there when I see a guy that I like but most of them are straight. There is a dating service called Mingelo it gathers a small group of local gays and you all meet at a different resturant each week. You get to know each other and if you see someone you like you can give them your number. It won't work for me since I am working and on-call but something your friend might consider. Isolation is for sure a death spiral - I know all about that too, I'm living through it now. Hoping that things turn around for him and the many others with this same problem, myself included.
Difficult situation, but I have to believe there is a solution. Need to explore all options that might work.
I am trying to look inwards to find my solution... not easy but I think that is a more lasting solution.
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