Advice to a Friend

It's nice when friends see me as a sounding board they can trust for advice or just listening on sensitive matters.

This weekend I had a call with a friend.  He's older than me, 60-something, gay, single, reasonably well off and retired.

He was telling me that as an older gay man he feels invisible and like damaged goods.  He hasn't met anyone.  He told me, " my sex life is jacking off.  I haven't been with a man in two years."  The reality is that there are many guys in this situation.

It's good that he is solution oriented, and not just complaining.  We talked a lot about possible ways to meet people.  This is a problem for all men over 50 -- not just gays.  Many men have few close friends and no relationships. You hear so many suggestions -- join a club or a bowling league.  I wouldn't do this and my friend is not interested either.  He's not big on gay dating apps either.  I did push back that you can't rule out everything.  If you do nothing, then not meeting anyone is a certainty.  There's luck involved here -- sometimes you try many things and none are successful.

I suggested going solo in the absence of a friend or partner.  That's better than doing nothing, and you can't let your life just go by, especially at this age.  Solo travelers are very common these days.

He told me the guys he has met were just turn-offs.  Poorly dressed, overweight and just looking really old.  He doesn't want to date Wilford Brimley.  They could be lying about their age, that's pretty common.  I asked jokingly, "bad haircuts too?"  

Tough problem to solve, and this is true for everyone.  But not insurmountable.  I guess my number one suggestion is just get out and do things -- local activities, travel, whatever.  Doing nothing is a death spiral.  Number two is stay in shape.  It's bad enough getting older, you don't also need to be overweight.  I think it also improves confidence.

I'm finishing a book on depression.  The author theorizes that depression is often caused by lack of social connections.  There could be something to this and we talked a bit about it.   

Any suggestions?  Who am I to give advice,  I met my bf on Grindr. 

  

    

Next Trip

 

I'm off to Toronto next week for 12 days.  My bf was visiting me for six weeks in May and June, and I miss having him in my bed to cuddle up to.  So excited to spend time in Toronto.  Looking for some new restaurants to try.  I have my favorites, but want to try new ones as there is no shortage.  Definitely will go to the Toronto Islands.  My bf asked if I want to go to Hanlan's Point nude beach....maybe 😜.  As an added twist, we will go to Montreal on my last weekend.  I've never been there, a new place is always exciting.  It happens to be the Gay Pride that weekend too.  I've heard Montreal is a little more wild than Toronto, so that will be fun.

This is Hard

 

This exercise is harder than it looks.  Finally I can do it.  Need to improve my form a bit to do it like this guy.

Closetocracy

Hunter Biden has been making the rounds to various podcasts.  He claims that there is a group of very powerful people in government, mostly Republicans, who are gay.  He calls it a "cabal" or a "closetocracy."  Lindsey Graham was the most prominent of the group, but there are many others. 

Hunter Biden isn't exactly an upstanding citizen.  I'm not exactly sure what he's trying to accomplish.  It's fairly obvious he's an angry guy.  He benefited from his father's presidency, but says that the Trumps have taken it to an entirely different realm.  I believe that.  

I'm surprised none of these guys has been publicly outed.  Anything is possible in the toxicity of Washington.

Being Present

 

It's only in the last few years that I am understanding what it means to be "present".  I'm one of those people whose mind is often everywhere.  I'm thinking about so many other things, often past events, while ignoring what's going on around me.  Sometimes I will be watching tv and realize I have no idea what happened in the last 30 minutes.  Sometimes I'm thinking about negative events in my life that I could have or wished that I handled better.  Why??  Do I think I can rewrite the past years later? 

Someone suggested that I read the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  A little difficult for me to absorb.

So "being present" means focused on what is going on around me, and not mentally somewhere else.

So when I'm cooking for 16 people I have to be present.  Following recipes, ingredients on the counter, pots simmering on the stove, turkey in the oven.  Knowing how long each dish takes to make and cook with a 2pm dinner on the table target means the day has to be carefully choreographed.  Altruistic acts are also a driver of happiness.

When I travel I often go with a rough plan and handle the details day by day.  That means booking hotels, deciding on what sights to see, figuring out how to go from one place to another.  This planning along with taking in a completely new and usually totally foreign location forces me to be present.  Experiences are drivers of happiness more that just buying "things". 

Being fully present in the moment, not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, increases happiness.

What makes me happy....

 

I think a lot about what makes me happy.  That means thinking back about experiences.  What left me with a warm feeling?  An experience I feel good about reminiscing about?  I would want to do more of these kinds of activities.

Last year I made Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for sixteen people.  Mostly family and my father who is going on 87, but still driving and active.  I have quite a few family members who are over 75 years old and for some of them, they are slowing down a lot.  One of my aunts came to Christmas dinner for the first time in many years.  She didn't want to go to her daughter's (my cousin) because she didn't want to go somewhere she wasn't wanted.  Another aunt was recently widowed and has no one else.

My own cooking skills surprised me.  The group was so complimentary at the number of side dishes I made.  They raved about the white chocolate cheesecake.  I really felt like the praise was genuine.  People came back for more servings.  They wouldn't have done that of they didn't like it.

My father was really happy with the dinners, and also so happy to host such a large gathering.

Thinking back, I have a warm, good feeling about these holidays.  I want to do it again this year and in the future.   

I found that some of my trips, where I am so engrossed in my travels and so present, also make me happy.

Sometimes when sitting at home I will dwell on negative things that happened in the past.   Why didn't I handle it differently and generally overthinking.  What is the point of that?   I need to focus on what has made me happy and repeat.

WTF was that?

Trump gave a speech on election integrity on Thursday night.   Can anyone tell me what he said?   What a confusing mess.  He just looks more and more unhinged.

Maybe he should have his testosterone tested?