Seeking Balance

I've been traveling quite a bit during the last two months.   Mexico and Canada.  

I was in Tulum for a week.  I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful beach.  The ocean like bath water.  I don't want to be in an isolated resort far from town.  So many stores and restaurants walking distance from our hotel on the beach, so that worked for me.

Cancun.  Interesting to visit for the first time but I won't go back.

Two weeks in Mexico City.  What a contrast....staying in wealthy Polanco and working outside the city in the State of Mexico......a scary place.

Toronto.  I've been there like a 100 times, but fun to find new restaurants.   This time Indian and Turkish were the highlights.

Again I find myself in a situation of struggling to maintain work-life balance.   The story of my life.

I need to force myself to take vacation.  Force myself to do something relaxing.  What is fun or enjoyable for me?   I'm not sure I know.

Continuing to work runs the risk of overworking.  Stopping work runs the risk of boredom.  I wish I could be more in the middle.

Friends in Need

My two Burmese friends contacted me separately in the last two weeks.

One had been to an STI testing center and came back positive for chlamydia.  This LGBT non-profit testing center told him now you need to go to a doctor to get treated.  He messaged me not knowing what to do.  He was working about thirty miles away this past week.   I found the address if the local health dept STI clinic and told him to go there.  He was treated and he's ok now.  Now we are having some deep conversation about his sex life and the need to be careful.  He needs to find a real relationship and not just hookups.

Then my other friend contacted me.   He is feeling lethargic and he thinks his lips are too red.   Could it be an STD?  No other symptoms, so could be nothing.  Why don't you go to the doctor if you really are concerned, I asked.  "I'm shy" he answered.  

These are two really nice, hard working guys who have had a hard life.  I know them well and try to help whenever I can.  They are part of an Asian culture that cannot accept gays.  In addition to all their other struggles, they have to deal with being gay.

Every time I talk with these guys I am so grateful for my own life.  Sometimes I feel depressed, and I really have no right to be.   I am very fortunate.   To be born in the US.  To be well educated.   To be financially well off.  I have no right to complain about anything.  I'm glad to have met these guys.

Other guys have told me that "STD's are just the cost of doing business for gay men."   Not for me.   I can't accept getting STD's and if that means less sex, then so be it. 

Gay Pride

I attended the Toronto Gay Pride with my bf. Interesting experience, especially for him.

Part of the event was very positive and focused on acceptance. Other parts left me wondering how this helps the gay cause. Let me explain. There were many LGBTQ organizations that set up at the Gay Pride to explain what they do and offer support. Toronto politicians, like Mayor Olivia Chow, attended to show support. There were several show venues with artists performing.

 On Saturday afternoon we walked through the Church Street gay village. A fair number of people wandering around totally naked. My bf asked how can they get away with this? Why are the police (there were many) not doing anything about this? The normal rules are off at gay pride I guess. There was one guy sitting on the side walk, totally naked, masturbating. Again, my bf asked, how is this allowed? He also added, wow, it was big. 

The next day we attended the parade. There were long breaks in the parade flow because protesters had disrupted the parade upstream. One person was driving a small sit down scooter. This topless person had large breasts, but would zoom up to the sidelines to pull up their skirt to reveal a penis to the crowd.

I was surprised how many kids were in attendance at the parade. Some of this behavior, I'm not sure how it helps the gay cause. Most of the event was positive, focusing on acceptance, and letting everyone know that LGBTQ people can be found in all ethnicities and walks of life.

Social Misfit

 https://www.tiktok.com/@therapytothepoint/video/7381120970653830446

Years ago I worked with this guy who would sometimes refer to people as "social misfits."  I was young at the time, and this was a new term for me.  It seemed to mean people who are socially awkward and just don't seem to fit in.   Over the years I began to wonder, am I a social misfit?

The reason I bring this up is that I started a new job and have now met an entire group of new people.  I'm getting some comments like, "you are completely poker faced all the time", "wow, he smiled", "emotionless", "you're so intense".   Sometimes it's not with a negative spin, "cool as a cucumber."

A few days ago I was randomly served up the Tiktok video I've posted above.  Omg, is that me?  It's definitely not, but I feel like I have some of the characteristics.  I don't have a need for a lot of social connections.   I don't like crowds.  I don't like going into a room of people I don't know.

In fairness to me, I'm in a quantitative job.  I spend most of the day immersed in numbers.  I need uninterrupted quiet time to focus and not lose my train of thought.  I don't jump out from behind my computer and become Mr talkative.

I'm introverted!   Maybe more than the norm.  Does that make me a bad person?

Right now I'm thinking about strategies to mitigate.  Forcing myself to smile when I think it's expected.  Engaging in small talk even when I don't want to.  Recently I made an excuse to get out of a dinner with co-workers and their wives, as I thought it would be too difficult for me.   Better to not be there than make a bad impression.

Maybe this is why I connect so well with Asian guys.   They also tend to be quiet and introverted.  My bf is like this too.   He does some things that surprise me.  His friend tried to pull him into a social group of Asian gay guys.   He has resisted, saying he doesn't want to and is not comfortable.  A group of Asian gay guys who get together for mahjong games and other activities?  Seems pretty benign - even I would have no problem with that.

Finally, I was encouraged by the comments posted about the Tiktok video.  "the guy isn't bothering anyone, leave him alone!", "sounds like the perfect roommate",  "he is who he is, why is this a problem?"  

More on this.....

Countdown -- Toronto

 

I'm going to spend some vacation time in Canada in a few weeks.   One event I'll attend is the Toronto Gay Pride.  Largest in the world and an interesting event.   A lot of crazy stuff happening all weekend.   I haven't been to it in about seven years.  One of my bf's friends offered us the chance to march in the parade.   I'm not going to do that, but just watching will be fun.

Toronto is one of my favorite cities.   Ethnically very diverse, which means lots of great food.  I love the Toronto Islands.   Great place for a walk and maybe go the the nude beach.   I'm looking forward to this trip. 

The Present

I'm getting so many "self-help" videos popping up on TikTok.   Some of them are actually quite good, and relevant to me right now.

"Forty years from now you will want to trade anything to get the present moments back.   Live in the present, make the most of the present."

This one was so profound for me.   Forty years?  Probably ten or twenty are more accurate.

We can think about things that happened in the past.  What could we have done differently? We can rehash this over and over again thinking about different courses of action we could have taken.   However we can't change the past -- so what's the point of doing this?  We don't have 20/20 hindsight, if we did then for sure we could have handled situations better.  We can't beat ourselves up for not having 20/20 hindsight.  Maybe thinking about it one time makes sense so we can learn from it.  But again, we cannot change the past.

We can think about things we are going to do.  A trip in a few months.  Retiring in a few years.  What will we do in retirement?  This is fine, but we also cannot live in the future, thinking about what we are "going" to do.   A few months ago my bf and I made plans to go to NYC.   It was a fun four day trip, and both of us really enjoyed it.  The future plan became the present in a relatively short time.

What about today?  What am I doing to enjoy today?

Another useful exercise I recently learned.   STOP.  What are am I thinking about right now?  Does it make sense to be thinking about that?  This has helped pull me back into the present.  Being cognizant of where our mind is can keep it from spiraling.

Another post on where my mind is, and trying to find happiness.  Posts about my sex life would probably get more interest, but this is where I am right now.

Thoughts

 

I am an over thinker.  I think about situations that have happened and spin them into something worse than they really were.  It's easy to exaggerate what happened, what others are thinking, and spiral.  Then I feel really bad.  

The short teachings of this monk are often profound for me.  My thoughts are causing me pain.  Something negative may have happened, but it's my thoughts that are causing the most pain.

What am I thinking about right now?    This has been a useful exercise to pull myself into the present.  It's like an instant reckoning for my mind.  What am I doing?  Stop.

In another teaching he says "you cannot force negative thoughts from your mind."   True.  If you pull yourself to the present and become cognizant of what you're thinking that will help.