Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Going in Circles

I'm thinking about my plans for 2016.  What do I want to do?  What will be different?

But then I think "why bother?" 

There are a few guys who have closely followed my blogs for years and know my story very well.  They tell me that I periodically post about resolving the same issues, but I never do.

Going in circles.   

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays to everyone!

I'm near Boston for a few days.  This was hanging on the front of a school I attended for about six months when I was 6:

Choose to be Nice
I was surprised to get a text from Jack yesterday.  "Merry Christmas dear friend."  I haven't seen him for more than a month.  He's always busy when I contact him.  I thought he wasn't interested anymore and had moved on.  Apparently he's still thinking about me.  Hopefully we can meet when I get back.  I still want to do that trip to Toronto.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Nothing I Want

It's been a challenging year.....but in the end everything turned out great.  My job and new life in Canada are going great.  My boss is very happy with me and my coworkers have been quite helpful.

I was thinking about getting myself a Christmas gift.  A reward for this year.  Problem is that there's nothing I really want.  I am an anti-clutter person.  I don't just flippantly "buy stuff."  I think hard about whether I really, really want and need something before I buy. 

There's no physical thing I want.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Two Parallel Stories

About eight months ago I was traveling.  I started messaging on Grindr with an Asian guy.  He looked interesting to me, and we chatted over a two day period.  On my last day in town we agreed to meet.  I was sitting in an out of the way area of the hotel lobby.  He came in, sat down and we started talking.  We both knew what the intentions were.  It was up to me to make the next move.  Do I want to invite him to my room? 

There just wasn't enough chemistry to make me want to do that.  We talked for like 40 minutes.  Finally he said it was getting late and he needed to go.  I sensed some disappointment as he said goodbye.

For the last month I've been messaging with an Asian guy here in Canada.  He's 30 and returning to school for eighteen months.  I never showed him a face pic.  We wanted to meet but our schedules just hadn't aligned.  He lives just a few miles from me.  Tuesday we finally had the opportunity to meet at his place.  He told me we weren't meeting for sex.  For weeks now he's been telling me how much he just wanted to cuddle with someone.    

There's no question I was attracted to him.  He's cute and in good shape.  He had on shorts and a t-shirt.  I sat in a rocking chair while he sat a few feet away on his bed.  We started to talk.  It was wide ranging and he told me his whole story.  At one point I stood up and asked him for a hug.  But then we went back to the same positions.  We kept talking and I lost track of time.  The conversation was deep and personal.  He shared a lot.  Then he reminded me that I had to work early the next morning.  I checked my phone.  Wow, we've been talking for almost two and a half hours.  Time to go.  Not even a hug as I left.  No "call me" or a number.  Two and a half hours....he never invited me into his bed.

Now I get to feel the other side?   I guess so.  Even though this was a long, friendly, engaging conversation, I still feel the implicit rejection.  So there just wasn't the right should be no big deal.  But it bothers me.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Just Pull the Trigger

This past week was so long.  Go to work at 7 or 7:30, and one day 5:30AM, and then leave at 8:30 or 9:30PM.  I come home and go to sleep after an hour or so.  Too much.  I should have two weeks off starting next weekend though.

I am thinking about a trip in March.  I noticed that flights out of Toronto to Asia are pretty inexpensive.  Roundtrip to Singapore with return from KL is around $1000.  It's a three hour bus ride from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur.  I could even get a Cathay Pacific flight for $1150.

So what the hell?  I should do this.  A week long adventure in a place I've always wanted to go.  Malaysia is home country of an ex-bf.   I should just book it and lock in these dates.  A few days in Singapore and a few days in KL.

A female friend of mine just went to Singapore and Malaysia last month.  She has family in Malaysia.  She said Singapore was nearly perfect and she would even live in their public housing.  She wasn't so impressed with KL because of traffic, crime and construction.  I'm sure lots of US cities are just as bad for those things.

Ok....need to make decision in next few days.