Sunday, November 30, 2014


I'm on the precipice of major change in my life.  This change is necessary and I should embrace it, but to be honest, I'm feeling anxious.  New job.  New city.  New house, or most likely an apartment for a while.  A downsizing and a decontenting.

It's hard not to agonize about these decisions.  I'm not presented with three jobs at the same time and get to pick the best one.  I might accept a job that looks good, only to be offered my dream job the next week.  The question swirling in my head: "Is this the right move for me or am I settling?

I know that six months after the change I'll feel more comfortable.  And I know that whatever I decide to do will not fall into place perfectly on its own.  I need to make the change work for me.

So many people go through life with no change.  Same location.  Same job.  For their entire lives.  Inertia, but not necessarily bad.

I'm thinking hard about priorities in my life.  Two that immediately come to mind:  Staying close to my kids and family.  Work-life balance. 

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Happiness for Who?

I had an interesting conversation with Steve.  He's concerned about my happiness.  Where am I going long-term?  I need someone in my life if he's not there.  Basically, he's asking what do I need in my life to be happy.

This is interesting because I was concerned about his happiness.  He's 34, his parents don't know (not sure if anyone knows), and I am his most serious relationship.  He's been out in the world working for about seven years, but it doesn't seem like much has happened.  He is thousands of miles from home, playing around on grindr, and it seems like a lonely life.

Last week we were laying in bed talking, and he surprised me by saying that maybe he should just get married -- to a woman.  I didn't want to come across as too excited, but I strongly told him that would be a huge mistake.  Especially for a guy who has essentially lived as a gay man, albeit discreetly, for many years.  He's been sexual with men, I think exclusively, and now abruptly switch?  It doesn't work.  Not only that, he's been sexual with men, and from my experience with him, he really likes it.

We met four months ago, and I think he's realizing what a gay relationship could be.  A boyfriend who is a REAL friend.  Who actually knows your real name.  And most importantly, can be trusted.  I think he's appreciating sex with the same partner, who spends the whole night, and that the relationship goes beyond just sex.  He's become a better lover over these few month.  Too passive and tentative in the beginning.  Now he's more aggressive.  What's really amusing to me is that I have dinner with this quiet, intellectual, kind of nerdy, scientist.  Then two hours later the clothes come off.  He's a surprisingly hung Asian guy telling me what he wants to do to me. A totally different guy.

I had lunch with Ross a few days ago.  I mentioned I was dating someone, and of course he wanted all the details.  When I described Steve's situation he just rolled his eyes.  This is so typical of an Asian guy.   The culture just doesn't accept it.  Ross just told his mom last summer, but largely because she was constantly hounding him to get married. I really want Steve to be happy, and not sure how this will happen.

By year end both Steve and I will have some clarity on what's going to happen in our lives, and we'll see how this develops.

Sunday, November 23, 2014


I didn't come home last night.  I wanted to be with Steve, and I spent the night clinging to his warm, smooth body.  There was a missed call from my son at 2am, but who cares.  I'll make up a story.

As we cuddled last night Steve told me what a nice, trustworthy guy I am.  He's never been so close to a guy before and is concerned about what will happen in January.  There will be a big hole in his life if he does not come back to the US.  If he does come back, I may not be here.  Job search is heating up, and I think something will come through soon. 

I've explained that maybe our lives will go in different geographic directions, but we will still be close friends.  Worst case, he now has a very close lifelong, trustworthy friend.  A friend he doesn't have to hide anything from.

Those are hard to find.

Friday, November 21, 2014

He's Worried

Last week I met Steve on Friday night.  We kissed and hugged tightly.  And then he pushed me away and collapsed on the bed.

"I don't know if I can do this anymore," he said.  He goes back to Korea at the end of December.  He's becoming so attached to me that he feels it will be terribly painful when he leaves me.  He doesn't know what will happen with his consulting assignment after December.

I explained that we will always be at least friends, even if we cannot be together.  It seemed like he was half joking about becoming so attached to me, but I know there is some truth to it.

Next week he arranged to go on a trip over Thanksgiving, so I will not see him.  I can spend Thursday evening with him, and most of Friday.  The rest of the time I need to spend with my kids.  I understand that this isn't really a holiday for him, and it was an opportunity for him to travel. 

Compounding this are the several out of town job interviews I've had.  He has mentioned a few times that I may be moving away soon anyway.

I will see him tomorrow and I know he wants to talk. 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

The Complication

I can never have a relationship that's simple.  There's always a complication.

My friend Steve is here in the US as a consultant.  He returns to Korea in December and isn't sure if he will be returning to the same client. 

This weekend he told me he is very concerned about leaving.  He will feel very badly.  As will I.

We spent Friday and Saturday night together.  He clung to me all night.

Saturday, November 8, 2014


I haven't posted for six weeks??  These weeks have flown by, but now time for an update.

I continue doing two jobs.  My regular day job, and looking for a new job.  The second is proving to be a challenge.

But there's more...

Remember back in July I blogged about meeting this guy named Steve?  I met him in mid-July.  Aside from a few weeks when he was back in Korea, we've spent every weekend together.  Next week we are going away for the weekend.

It's interesting how this has played out.  He's a super-intelligent, quiet guy...most definitely an "I".  He immediately attached to me when we met.  I was sort of indifferent to him in the beginning, but I did want to at least keep him as a friend.  It seems now things have turned more serious, and I think more so from his side. 

What I'm finding out is that this is the most serious relationship he has had.  He sends me multiple sms during the day.  Spending the whole night with another man is a new experience for him, and he likes it.  Just as developing a continuing sexual relationship with another man is also new to him.  Bottom line -- He's never had a lover before.  Someone he can connect with and trust.

Like every relationship I'm in, this is complicated.  More to come....