No FAP Experiment

 

I thought this diagram was amusing,

I'm continuing my no fap experiment.  From January into February I made it 37 days.  It really wasn't that hard.  Unlike some people, it wasn't a problem for me, but I just wanted to see how it would affect me.  In February and March I didn't follow the program so well.  I wasn't going to meet anyone anyway.....that was my rationalization.  I was going a week at a time though.

Now I'm restarting the experiment.  I'm also going to the gym more.  It's warmer and brighter outside now, and it's easier to be motivated.  Maybe I've had a touch of seasonal affective disorder.  This has been a cold, dark winter.

I've been trying to negotiate a better deal at the luxury gym.....with no success.  I checked out another gym last week that was supposed be higher end, and was unimpressed.  The new place would be so convenient, but I can't justify that higher price.

Indian Guys

This guy showed up on Grindr only one mile from me.  He's only 28 so I didn't message him, but I thought the pic was really hot.  I've dated a few Indian guys with good success, most recently last year.  I've learned a lot abut India from these guys......the after sex conversation with my friend from last year was often the history of India.

I'm leading a major IT project at work with a team of consultants.  One IT truism:  wherever there's an IT project, there are Indians.

Most of the team are Indian guys, but there are two in their mid-30's who have caught my attention.  I sit in meetings with them debating in my mind which one is better looking.  They are here in a hotel four days a week, and I dream about seeing them on Manhunt, but alas both are married with kids.

One of them is named Rammohan.  He's cute.  I love his hair.......shiny jet black.  He grows a goatee for a few days, then almost shaves it off.  I'm curious to see what he looks like every day.  Both these guys have an extra 10 lbs, but it makes no difference.  They are still hot to me.     

No worries!  No plans to run off to India.  It's not a gay friendly place.  I'll stick to meeting the ones who are in the US.

Three Outs

I did everything right.  My dating coach would have been proud.  Even Patti Sanger would have approved. These three guys were definitely appropriate for me:

1. All were right around my age.
2. Two were divorced with kids.
3. All were educated, professional guys.
4. Body pics showed them to be in reasonable, but not great shape.  One was hairier than I like, but I didn't want to judge only on looks.  All probably not in as good a shape as me.
5. All within 35 miles of me.

We connected on line and chatted for quite a while.  We seemed to have much in common.  Very little discussion of sex in the conversation.  There was a mutual, "We should meet."

"Yes, that would be great."  But first lets share pics.  Ok sure.

The first one:  "Thanks but I'm just not feeling like I'm attracted to you."

The second:  "I think you're really not my type."

The third:  A hasty goodbye, and I haven't heard from him.

This is really frustrating.  They wouldn't even give me the benefit of a meeting?  And then reject me?  I have to take the attitude that this is their loss, because I'm a good guy.  This just saved me a few wasted coffee dates.  It's just depressing because I seem to have such a low batting average lately.   

The Luxury Gym

There's a new luxury gym opening close to my house.  One thing that's true for me, if the gym isn't convenient, I won't go.  So ten miles away doesn't work for me.  I am using the gym a lot lately. I was seriously thinking about this new gym.  Eucalyptus steam room, tons of high tech equipment, huge lap pool....everything you can think of.  It's like one of those high end gyms in NY or LA.

So imagine my shock when I received the price quote:  single membership $144 per month.

NYC gym pricing too.  I'm paying like $21 per month right now at a gym that's ok.  This new place is awesome, but I don't think I can justify a $120 per month cost up.

Penis Does the Picking

I hate to do a post about a Bravo show.  You're all thinking, "Rob, do you do anything else but watch TV?"  I know, but it's been a cold winter and I've been staying inside a lot.

Last week I was wondering, "what would happen if I was on Millionaire Matchmaker?"  I've been hearing about two "friends of friends" who enlisted professionals to help them in the dating process.  Maybe this was the catalyst for my thought.  I haven't met anyone recently and am sort of thinking of jumping back into the dating game this spring.  I seem to be more worried about rejection this time, maybe because I'm getting older.  I'm realizing the need to put your best foot forward and not make stupid mistakes.

People can join a club run by Patti Sanger, an LA based matchmaker.  You must be a millionaire to join.  She interviews people who have joined, diagnoses their issues, provides very direct and often harsh advice, and attempts to find a match for them.  Often these are people who have relationship issues and a history of failure in their love lives.  Sometimes Patti is successful, and sometimes the show ends with her screaming at her client to get the f--- out of here and never come back.

There are a few common themes on the show that I've seen over and over:

1. Clients who are just weird or annoying.  It's no wonder they haven't made a connection.  Patti will call out their faults very directly.
2. Clients who always pick dates who are obviously (to everyone else) wrong for them. 
3. Clients who have unrealistic expectations.  Often the case with the gay clients - example (and weird too).  You have these 40 or 50-something year old guys who want to date a 20-something 9 or 10.  Some of them aren't even good looking.  It just isn't going to happen.  These are guys are detached from reality.  But doesn't this describe most of the gay men over 40 on-line?  When browsing online and I impulsively click on the profile of a hot 29 yo I remind myself of this.
4. Sometimes the clients are just nerdy social misfits.  It can be just painful to watch - example.  She just had a doctor who fell into this category, and a few shows ago an internet millionaire.  How do you cure people who just aren't cool?  What's the solution?  Connect them with another nerd?

She found a match for Andrew Christian

The show starts with Patti watching a video of the new client where they have to talk about themselves, their relationship history, and explain what they are looking for.  Some clients come across horribly in these videos and Patti is cringing.  But sometimes the client comes across great, and Patti is saying this is going to be easy.

Next Patti has a face to face meeting with the new client.  This is where she is forthcoming with her diagnosis.  Sometimes she brings in help, like a psychologist.

I was mentally walking myself through this process.  What if I had to make a video for Patti that explained my life and what I want?  I'd probably come off as too boring.  How would she diagnose me?  Good question, I'm not sure I could even guess at that myself.

One of Patti's favorite sayings is, "the penis does the picking."  If you're not immediately sexually attracted to someone, then forget it?  I agree that if there is immediate sexual attraction it's a tremendous plus.  Not sure I agree that lack of is always a deal breaker (but finding someone unattractive is a deal breaker).  Surely it's important to focus on your own looks so someone else' penis might pick you.  When it comes time for the clients to choose a date, Patti seems to be saying let your sexual attraction and emotions choose, don't over analyze it.  What do you think?

It's a stupid show.  I know that.  But there are a few good lessons there.

Looking's Positive Review

When I first watched the new HBO show "Looking" I thought it was just another lame attempt by the TV gurus to capitalize on the public's curiosity with gay men.  I was surprised to see this very positive review in the Advocate.  It's been renewed for a second season.  I expected the Advocate would criticize how the show portrays gay men....but they didn't.  They seem to embrace it.

I can't believe how deeply the author of this article analyzed the show.  It's made me think much more and watch much closer.  The character I can identify with is Patrick.  He's the most "establishment" of the group --  well educated, good job, good looking, a product of affluent suburbia.  Is he str8 acting?  I sure don't immediately think gay when I see him.  He's out.....but sometimes uncomfortable with it.  The author says Patrick needs to confront his internalized homophobia.  What am I missing here?  The other characters seem like stereotypes of various "varieties" of gay men.

Patrick's relationship with Richie only works behind closed doors.  It's awkward in public.  It's the mixing of two different socioeconomic classes.  Patrick is embarrassed of Richie's job.  Patrick is uptight....but is that a gay thing?   This relationship is doomed.

The wedding scene was so awkward for Patrick.  He's solo at his sister's wedding after Richie takes off.  It's so obviously painful for him.  At the end his father says, "This wedding cost $40,000.  Are you going to want a bash like this too?"  The message is, "You're my other daughter." 

It Gets Worse

I had another call with Seth this weekend.  Now I'm pissed off.

Last week he had a long conversation with this new bf -- who he now refers to as his "partner."  The bf told Seth that his wife has been there for him and his family through some very bad times.  So even though it's a loveless marriage, he cannot leave her.  Also, he has a very good job and is well known in the community, so leaving his wife for a man really isn't an option.  This guy has two sons in their early twenties.  So at the end of the conversation, Seth decided to STAY WITH HIM!  

"I know there's lots of reasons I shouldn't be doing this, but I've never met anyone so perfect for me."

This statement made me really angry.  Really?  WTF was I?

The bf now has a key to his apartment.  He comes in at 5am and crawls into Seth's bed.  Seth comes home and finds roses all over his bed and candles lit.   Seth is looking for a new apartment close to his bf.  Getting a new apartment in Germany is a big deal.

"I don't want to be a homewrecker.  Doing something detrimental to another family is totally against my culture."    Really!  Then wtf are you doing it??

They can see each other for one or two hours a day.  Except for Thursday -- because that's the day his bf has his bible study class.   AWWWWWWW!!!!  I want to scream.

My relationship with Seth was more than five years ago.  I still really care about him.  He has many good qualities, but he is stupid sometimes.  Emotions can rule for him, whereas I'm driven by rationality.  He lives 4000 miles away and a continuing relationship with him just wasn't going to happen.  I've moved on, but the hard part is that I haven't connected with anyone else like I did with him.  Now it feels like I value the relationship we had a lot more than he does.