This is Nauseating

About a year ago, in an attempt to meet more guys my own age, I met a guy who claimed he was 47.  When he pulled into the parking lot he texted me, "Good looking guy in black shirt and jeans coming in right now."  I found out he was really 52.  He was in good shape for 52, but he blew me off.  Here's his new profile from Manhunt:

Friends and fun, but you have to read on...

Very happy to say that I have a great guy. I'm looking for some friends. I haven't been out that long. Recently divorced, a dad, and living my new life as a man the gay world. Life is really good.

What am I looking for? Two things. First - I'm looking to make friends. Especially with guys like me, but probably younger than me because I'm not like most guys my age. I like music that my kids listen to. I like to party. I love red wine and vodka (not together). I like going out to restaurants. I'm financially secure and don't need anything from anyone other than genuine friendship and fun.  Sounds stupid looking for friends on here, but we're gonna give it a try.

Second thing I'm (we're) looking for? My bf and I are open to playing with a third or another couple, but we're picky. He's mid 20s, fit, dark and handsome. Both of us are masculine and only get into other masculine, good looking guys btwn 30 and 45 (give or take). We only like fit, good looking guys (swimmer's build or muscular/athletic only.

We can host or happy to have others host. Safe only. Both of us HIV and STD clean.

Siren Song of the Younger Guy

A few weeks ago I got a call out of the blue from a guy I've been chatting with online for a few months.  It's 10:55pm and he's wondering what I'm up to.  He's not far from me and pretty persistent about meeting.  He's only a few minutes away.....so why not I think.

I occasionally chatted with this guy for a few months, and really wasn't that interested.  He's 27, Filipino, a nursing student, and lives with his parents.  Lot's of reasons NOT to meet him. 

Holy shit.  He's one of the best looking Asian guys I've ever met.  Picture Manti T'eo, but not buff.  Looks more Pacific Islander, Samoan than Filipino.  Like 5'10, 180.  Now he's persistent about doing more.

Little head takes over.  He wants to play and I can't stop myself.  We end up in my bedroom for sex light.  Mainly just jo.

"I really want to see you again,"  I tell him as he leaves.  "Text me,"  he says.

I message him the next day.  No response.  "Call me" I say.  No response.  Now this doesn't feel so good.  Failing my litmus test for sex.

He was horny as fuck that night and I helped him out.  End of story.  I'm twenty years older than him and he's not interested in anything more.  This should be a surprise to me?

It seems like I keep relearning this lesson.

I go back to my litmus test for sex:  Do I view the experience positively after the fact? 

When a guy blows me off afterwards I don't view that positively.  Maybe my standards are too high.


If I want something more than just a one time thing I need to stay closer to my own age.  I know there are always exceptions, and people win the lottery too.  However, if I am looking at this from the perspective of probabilities --  what kind of guy is likely to turn into more than a one time hookup? -- then I should be dating guys closer to my own age.

The problem is that so many guys who are "supposedly my age" look a lot older.  I know everyone over 40 (or is it 30) lies about their age, but this is ridiculous.  How do I find the 48 year old guy who looks like this?

Fat

Some guys can carry extra pounds and still look good....some can't.  I feel like I'm in the latter category.  


You've heard a few facts of life before.....death, taxes.  Here's another:  as you get older it becomes increasingly difficult to stay thin.

I have a target weight for myself:  154 pounds.  How did I arrive at that?  I have an online pic I like and that's how much I weighed when I took it.  154 is a good weight for my 5'8" body.  Lean, but not too thin.

The trouble is that I have a hard time staying at that weight.  I had taken my eye off the ball, and drifted up into the high 160's earlier this year.  I have been working hard all summer to get back to my target weight.  I am at 158 right now.  It's hard to shed those last four pounds.  I do feel better.  My 32" jeans are very loose on me....I can't wear them without a belt now.

I've been eating grilled vegetables and a little chicken for two months now.  Not many calories in vegetables.  A 200 calorie energy bar for breakfast, yogurt and a granola bar for lunch.  Another granola bar and tea for an afternoon snack.  Easy to stay under 1500 calories a day with this diet.  Run four miles on top of that and I'm netting only 1000 calories.  I'm even adding safflower oil as a CLA supplement.  I really want to get back to this place, but with a more defined chest. 

Why am I so bothered by fat?  Will my life miraculously change when I am at 154?  Will I have to beat the guys off with a club?  I know better.  I understand this isn't going to happen.  But here is what will happen:

• I will feel better.  Even losing ten pounds improves your health.
• I will feel more confident.
• A lean body is more attractive to most guys.  Sorry, that's just the way it is.

The Crime? Traveling Solo

One sidenote to my Toronto trip --

This trip was planned last minute.  I ended up driving across the Canadian border and taking a train to Toronto.

I drove into the Canadian customs booth early in the morning.  We went through the usual questions about citizenship, carrying any weapons, etc.  Then "Where are you going?  "Toronto," I respond.

"Why?

"I just wanted to get out of town for the holiday weekend."

"Why Toronto?"  he asks.

"I dunno.  Coin flip.  I just wanted to go someplace and it's a cool city?"

"Going by yourself?"  he asks.  "Yes"

"Going to Toronto by yourself,"  he repeats it slowly THREE times as he stares at me.

"Ok, go."  and he waives he on.

A few days later I return at midnight and now have to pass through US customs.

I pull up to the US customs booth.  A female officer takes my passport and asks the standard questions.  Her face is pockmarked and she's not very attractive.  Nothing feminine about this 40-something woman.

"Why were you in Toronto?" she asks.

"Just wanted to get out of town for the holiday," I answer.

"Who were you with?"  Do you know anyone there?"

"No one and no," I answer.

"You went to Toronto by yourself?"  she stares at me incredulously.

"Yes,"  I answer.

"How much money are you carrying? she asks.

"Thirty dollars"

"You went to Toronto by yourself?," she says again as she stares at me.

"Ok see that officer over there in the inspection area?  Drive over to him," and she gives me a yellow ticket.

I comply.  I turn off my car and prepare to get out.  "Stop!" he yells.  "Keys on the dashboard.  Leave your cell phone in the car.  Don't take anything out of the car."  He directs me to a building across the parking area.

I enter this room where there are about ten other people.  I quickly notice I'm the only one who doesn't speak Arabic.  They tell me to sign in and wait until they call me.  People are being summoned into interview rooms.

After twenty minutes they call me to the counter.  The officer is typing on a computer terminal.  He seems to already know a lot about me.  "Do I still live on this street?"  "What is my job?"  Again, "what was I doing in Toronto?  "Where did I stay?  "What did I do all day?"  (obviously I left out some details here)  "What did I buy?"  "Did I contact anyone there?"

Finally he calls on the radio to ask the status of the search of my car.  It's ok.  "Ok, you can go," he says, barely looking up from his computer screen.

Holy shit!  I just wanted to get out of town and had no one to go with.  This is a crime?   

   

Labor Day pt 2

Now it's 1:45am and there's one more place I want to see.  It's called Fly.  It's a few blocks away and is the club where QAF was filmed.  Once inside I definitely recognize it from QAF....only it seems smaller.

It's loud and dark.  The strobe lights illuminate the guys dancing...most shirtless. The speakers are so huge that when I walk near them I feel like my internal organs are being shaken.  This is a younger crowd and I feel a bit out of place.

I notice a pack of really hot muscular Asian boys.  All 20-something and shirtless....they have their white t-shirts hanging from their front jeans pocket.  The other guys seem to be college boys or at most 30-ish.  Only a few other guys older than that.

Interesting to see this place, not sure it's really my kind of place.  Wish I was with someone.

Labor Day pt I

For the first time I can remember in years I had a weekend totally to myself.  NO parental responsibilities!  And it was a long weekend....over Labor Day.  Rather than waste another weekend watching stupid shows on Bravo I decided I needed to get out of town.  I looked at some easy places to get to and basically flipped a coin.

Toronto won.

It's a safe, clean, gay friendly city.

One of my fellow bloggers goes to Toronto frequently, so he gave me some ideas of things to do.  One thing on my list was the Toronto Islands and the "clothing optional" beach at Hanlan's Point.  I took the ten minute ferry ride from the Toronto waterfront to the islands.  The weather was beautiful and I walked for miles around the island before coming to Hanlan's Point.  It was a Friday afternoon and there were easily 200 people on the beach.  I'd never been to a nude beach before.  This beach is supposed to be mostly gay, but I saw many hetero m-f couples there.  My first impression?  Gee, there's a lot of people here who I don't want to see naked!  The beach was pretty tame....just people laying on their beach towels or talking in small groups.  A few older guys standing naked at the tree line....that was strange, but nothing else going on.

When in Rome....
I'm a super shy guy.  But I'm here at this nude beach.  I should do this.  I walked up the beach and back again with my shorts on.  Finally I did it.  Not for a super long time but I did it.  Nonevent.  No one even looked up.

The next part of my plan was to explore the gay village....but not at 9:30pm.  After the nude beach I was back at my hotel by 7pm and napped for a few hours.

It's 11:30pm, I'm wide awake and I arrive at Woody's....one of the more well known gay bars in Toronto.  There's a drag show just finishing, and just my luck -- next event is the "Hottest Ass Contest."  I'm not really  a bar person, but I think these places are more fun when there's some event going on.  One drag queen stayed on stage as the emcee, and the other recruited guys from the audience to take the stage.  For the next hour guys were marched onto the stage to give a three minute game show style interview, and then turn around and drop their pants.  Many of these guys enjoyed performing.....even when the drag queen said "OK thanks, you're done now,"  they kept on going.  One even did a handstand with his pants down.  All different kinds of guys participated, from the 20 year old super skinny twink to the buff personal trainer.  Sometimes in pairs to give each other courage, but most didn't need courage.  The crowd cheered for the hottest ass.

       

Judged in an Instant

The proliferation of porn on the internet has poisoned and programmed our minds to believe that this is what every guy should look like.  The reality is different.

One thing that really frustrates me is when I chat with some one online for a while.  Seems like there's mutual interest.  "Let's share face pics."   Then Poof....they vanish.  I know Brad Pitt and George Clooney are around 50.....and almost anyone would get naked with them.  They know my age....but sorry I don't measure up to Brad Pitt.

Although I complain about this, I do it myself a fair amount.  It could be the nicest guy ever, but if I really don't like the face pic, I'm not so rude as to instantly block them, but I can't get motivated to meet them either.  This guy keeps messaging me.  I can't bring myself to reply...ugh!
     

Circle of Friends

In my last post I said that I was trying to figure out the road to happiness.  What needs to happen to my limited free lime outside of work to make me happy?  I do know one thing -- a circle of gay friends.

Do I have gay friends?  Sure I do.  It's just that I don't see them as often as I'd like and many are scattered all over the globe.  I may have met them here, but they've moved.  Some now have partners.  We can still be friends, but it's not as close.  I don't have that close knit circle of friends who are close by and I can just "chill with" in my down time.

Next question....Does any middle aged guy have this situation?  Am I unrealistic?

I look at my kids.  They have this "Band of Brothers" circle of friends.  Mostly the same kids since they were 10 or 11.  It makes me feel good watching all these kids grow up and stick together.  Some new kids have been added, but the core group is still intact.  One kid had a picture of the group sitting around a bonfire posted on facebook --  "My Fucking Boys" was the title.  I never had this...but then a lot of people never had this.  Maybe it's looking at this situation all the time, which may not be the norm, is what's bothering me.

In any case, I need to look forward and not backward.  I want to take some steps to improve this.  The truth is I haven't put that much effort into this.  People drop serendipitously into my life, not so much because of proactive effort on my part.  I need to put more effort into the friends I have.  Not everyone clicks with me, so I need to work to hold onto the ones who do.

Maybe I'll meet friends from this blog....it's happened before.

The Best Gay Years

It seems to me that the 20's are the best years to be gay.  Young and hot, you are desirable to all....more so than any other time in your life.  I'm sure some will disagree, but that's the way it looks to me.

The problem for me is that I wasn't gay during my twenties.  I feel like I missed out.  In fact, I wasn't really gay until my late 30's.  A few years after being divorced.  By then a gay guy is on the down slope.

I'm not looking to make up for lost time by getting naked with every guy in sight.  I just want to have a fulfilling sex life now.

What's this About?

This is me:   I'm 48, Caucasian, divorced, two kids, I raised them solo.  I am well educated and have a good job -- I have a very comfortable life, I really don't want for anything.  Oh, and I'm gay....and discreet about it.  I'm INTJ for those familiar with Briggs-Myers.  I think this is a handicap in meeting people and making change, but I need to work through it.

This is my issue:  

• At a turning point in my life where daily active parenting is no longer required.....more free time for me.
• Turning 50 in a less than two years.....it's totally a depressing thought to me.
• I feel indifferent about life.  I want to be happy and fulfilled.  I'm not sure what exactly I need to get there.

Purpose of this blog:

• Help me define what happiness looks like and what I need to do to get there.  I know many other guys feel the same way.
• Gay culture is youth and looks obsessed.  How do you find happiness as a gay man in middle age?
• Open an exchange of ideas and thoughts from readers on this topic.

My post are MY opinion.  What I think and what works for me.  Your opinions may be different and I respect that.  Feel free to comment....let's me know someone is reading this and my posts are provoking thought.